words I cannot speak for you will not hear them.

I miss you. I don't understand this place I'm in, this world where I can't be a bigger part of your life. You're so close, yet so very far away. The walls that separate us seem so fragile, yet nothing I do will break them. My fists are bloody and raw from the effort, I'm afraid you might be the real architect behind this catastrophe. I'll never understand the way I feel about you, it's never going to be clear to me. There's a light you radiate, it shines out from within. Shadows gather to steal it away, I'm paralyzed by fear, my heart breaks at the thought of losing another one. I love you dearly, you mean so much to me and there's nothing about you I would change, not one single thing. I know this is sounding all wrong, every time I've ever done this it's been heard or read wrong, that's because it doesn't make any fucking sense. I'm lying to myself, I'm just insanely jealous, there's a light within you I want to be closer to, and I can't be, and it depresses me intensely every time I think about it. I'm really fucking greedy, I want a lot more of your time, so much more, and I can't have it and it drives me batshit. My mind is moving too fast to catch it on this measly fucking page, why am I so greedy with people, why do I have to be the center of the story, sometimes I feel like everytime I interact with others I'm lying to them somehow, like they're not getting the real james, maybe that's because every time someone sees the real james or even gets a glimpse they freak and they run they can't handle it I've ended every relationship I've ever been in because they saw who I really am, full power, 100%. I fucking hate it so much. For all my life, I've been told to calm down, to be quiet, to cool it, to fucking chill, I'm not fucking doing it anymore.