"Again?" "Yes. Again and again and AGAIN!!!!!"

I am not in a good place right now. this house feels like a prison, this woman the jailer. It's like she's got this switch, and when it's turned off I don't exist. I'm not saying I want this woman to be my wife or anything, no quest for true love will be undertaken in her name, but for christ's sake let's show a little something here. That something? It could be love or affection or even attention of some sort that doesn't feel like it's being directed towards a fucking doll, or a prized posession. My worth as a human being is tested every time I interact with her, and I hate it. The worst part is that I'm pretty sure she's like this with everyone she knows. Like she's a fucking sociopath or something like her capacity to feel for others has been completely deactivated. I reach out for something and there's nothing fucking there outside of her current physical attraction towards me, and I genuinely worry what will happen between us once that burns out. It's not like she doesn't care about me, it's more like her love for me is for a thing inanimate, and it's fucking terrifying. Right now, right at this very moment, I wanna leave this house and never fucking come back. Right at this very moment I feel like maybe the last time we tried something dumb like this should've been the last time we spoke. But I know how it works. She'll come home, I'll wrap my arms around her, try my good god-damndest to get some sort of reaction out of here, and we'll continue this retarded dance until we eventually fuck, like two corpses being thrown around inside of a huge dryer. Sometimes I wonder if this intense hatred I'm capable of feeling for her is just my way of coping, like at least with hate it can be one-sided and still be felt as real. Love of any sort just bounces off this woman much like hate does, and so even that eventually becomes hollow and meaningless.
I suppose the only solution of a sort would be to find these walls she erects and shatter them, destroy the barriers protecting her from the whole world and allow her to feel something for once. This isn't the solution that would simply help her, it would help her and be particularly satisfying to me as well, because nothing feels quite so good as breaking a person so they can be new again and eventually whole. Or maybe I just wanna break the heartless bitch out of spite.
Now I just have to decide whether she's worth it. worth helping worth hurting worth even one more goddamn minute of my fucking time.
this will be an interesting weekend indeed.