choking on endless red strings

I've got a girl on my mind, not in a whole way, not in a good way. She's all screwed up and washed out and impossibly fiery and probably about to crack like a fucking egg on the skillet. She just ran out on my best friend and disappeared off to some unknown locale, some secret geek haven where the moniters glow all night long like neon tubing pushing some desolate watering hole. I don't have a lot to connect me to this girl now, just a note and some vague promise of contact, a weak signal in a raging storm. We've had such talks, that girl and I. We made promises we had no way of keeping, but that wasn't how it was then. Then it made sense, then it stuck. Will I see her again, will her promise of contact hold true? It's always so long before I see her again, each time we separate. Maybe this time We'll miss each other, go our different ways to far-off cities and live crazy lives, minds wiped clean of any memory of that person they knew back at the bridge.

I separate from so many people, so many hasty and heartless goodbyes sputtered out in a witless rush. It never gets any easier to deal with, only less surprising in the pain it brings. My bonds with people are never weak, and it's always hard.
So now I'm thinking about why I always move. How cold I am, leaving so many behind.
Now it's the bonds that form and their meaning.

I need to sleep.

I don't believe in holograms....... 1(a)

my head these days feels as though it's gonna explode, like all the parts are begging to separate and go on to something more productive and maybe more meaningful. Everything that matters is starting to glow again, to sharpen itself and regain old definition for the coming days. I see and feel and perceive people as I never have before, with their needs and wants and feelings and fears spilling into my frames even as they're produced. It's always about them now, what I feel and understand is expanding about more or less everyone I know. At least it isn't a sudden thing, something sprung up on me without warning. But it's only gonna get crazier. The scope of my perceptions will expand to the point of almost cracking me open like an egg. I don't wanna have to deal with it, but It's gonna happen anyway.

One day the barbarians will breach the gates, and I will be the only one without a look of shock upon my face.

sweet self-assault of a verbal variety

So I talked to my god this morning. You know, through meditation and prayer. The one thing that was confirmed absolutely was that all complex problems have similiarly simple solutions. Like all people my age, a series of problems and negative ideas run a silent race through the back of my mind, surfacing every once in a while to break my calm mask and send me into fits of hideous emotional expression.
What plagues me isn't the issue. They are problems of a pretty common nature. Every member of this species, at one time or another, suffers from simple shit like loneliness. like confusion about all the possible futures out there. like the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that never completely goes away that tells me what if the light you know to permeate every aspect of this existence, the light which is the very truth of existence, what if all around you but yourself are blind to the presence of this light?
Okay, so they're not all common problems. I'm going through a crisis of awareness. As in, I'm feeling like the only one aware within 1000 fucking miles and it's starting to eat away at the walls of my fucking cranium like some kind of ungodly disease with seven syllables in the name and no cure of any kind whatsoever.
I know I'm not the only one aware of the world around me and all that entails. But I am pretty much the only one I know. Which is still depressing and crazy and impossible to mentally digest without real pain involved but I can deal with it, because I don't really have a choice. cause if I don't deal with it that means I will actually go insane. And that's not really an option.
Being alone in any way really sucks, but that is an affliction quite simple to cure.
but like everything else in this world, you have to want it to get it.