"Again?" "Yes. Again and again and AGAIN!!!!!"

I am not in a good place right now. this house feels like a prison, this woman the jailer. It's like she's got this switch, and when it's turned off I don't exist. I'm not saying I want this woman to be my wife or anything, no quest for true love will be undertaken in her name, but for christ's sake let's show a little something here. That something? It could be love or affection or even attention of some sort that doesn't feel like it's being directed towards a fucking doll, or a prized posession. My worth as a human being is tested every time I interact with her, and I hate it. The worst part is that I'm pretty sure she's like this with everyone she knows. Like she's a fucking sociopath or something like her capacity to feel for others has been completely deactivated. I reach out for something and there's nothing fucking there outside of her current physical attraction towards me, and I genuinely worry what will happen between us once that burns out. It's not like she doesn't care about me, it's more like her love for me is for a thing inanimate, and it's fucking terrifying. Right now, right at this very moment, I wanna leave this house and never fucking come back. Right at this very moment I feel like maybe the last time we tried something dumb like this should've been the last time we spoke. But I know how it works. She'll come home, I'll wrap my arms around her, try my good god-damndest to get some sort of reaction out of here, and we'll continue this retarded dance until we eventually fuck, like two corpses being thrown around inside of a huge dryer. Sometimes I wonder if this intense hatred I'm capable of feeling for her is just my way of coping, like at least with hate it can be one-sided and still be felt as real. Love of any sort just bounces off this woman much like hate does, and so even that eventually becomes hollow and meaningless.
I suppose the only solution of a sort would be to find these walls she erects and shatter them, destroy the barriers protecting her from the whole world and allow her to feel something for once. This isn't the solution that would simply help her, it would help her and be particularly satisfying to me as well, because nothing feels quite so good as breaking a person so they can be new again and eventually whole. Or maybe I just wanna break the heartless bitch out of spite.
Now I just have to decide whether she's worth it. worth helping worth hurting worth even one more goddamn minute of my fucking time.
this will be an interesting weekend indeed.

music and it's echoes.

i heard a noise the sound of the gods rushing in through the limits of man's comprehension and washing over the walls and borders of man's perceptions a steady constant hum to eat at the very edges of a person's sanity this is what we listen for when there is nothing left to define as sound or fury this is the noise that we hear when everything else has been stripped away a single throb to drown out everything we know and understand as noise as sound our limits have been tested those tests have been failed all that we know has been disproven or discarded as irrelevant madness stalks the fields in which we have laboured to grow our notions and our ideas that drone will be what drives down the defenses and breaks you this noise will break you sound beyond our limits that is how one defines the noise of the gods.
a tribal sound to pound away and break down the walls that line your skull
there is no drug like introspective journey.
there is no chemical that can truly replicate spiritual and mental growth.
there is no sound like this sound.
eventually the madness that is noise will infect you to the point of complete mental corrosion and everything you know and hear will be tainted with this noise and everything you understand will have a sound attached that you cannot ignore like the world itself has a pulse and a rhythm and a beat and a tune.
I am addicted to noise because I am terrified of silence.
I am terrified of silence.
I am terrified of silence.
Please fill the void that threatens to concave my mind and send me spiralling into the hideous darkness that lurks within.
i am afraid of the noise that is absence
the sound that is no sound.
all noise wears a mask of madness to hide the insanity that is silence.
I am terrified of silence.

May the gods grant me an eternity of noise.

tangled webs

as I become more acutely aware of my situation the weight of it becomes more and more difficult to tolerate. The situation is simple. I cannot continue spreading myself so thinly throughout each and every one of my... aspects.
Who is he? Is he a geek? A stoner? A hopeless romantic? A goddamn sexual deviant? A scholar and a sorcerer? Or is he simply a fool?
Perhaps the man encompasses all of these things, perhaps none. Mayhap he is simply, as miss fortune put it, a dabbler. Not truly and properly walking any road at all, merely taking those first hesitant and meaningless steps down each path he encounters, leaving a piece of himself behind each time.
This weird routine can do nothing but destroy me eventually, as one day I shall have nothing left to give out, to give away, no more roads left to walk that will actually go somewhere.
choose. For the love and understanding of all the gods in the cosmos, choose.
Perhaps this trip you seek to take will afford you the clarity of vision you so desparately need.
Maybe you will just go blind.

poem.

should I stay or should I go?
The decision's made, oh I should know.
my bags are packed inside my head
I can't escape that sense of dread
some wicked scene all done in red
yet to unfold
black story told
should I stay or should I go.