i hated myself a lot more back then.

so tell me about you when you were young.

well, he was a really sensitive kid, very emotional, not very well-versed about the real world and it's ways, quite completely immersed in fantasies of his own devising, and not particularly interested in anything the real world had to offer. This meant he didn't know how to deal with stuff like anger and sadness and disappointment and loss and failure and weakness, and so for a long time he was essentially emotionally stunted, growth-wise. He would basically throw temper tantrums when shit went wrong, and this happened regularly, so naturally he was completely ostracized through most of his school years. more or less all the way up to high school, when he changed schools and tried his very best to leave that whole nightmare behind. This was crystallized by a moment when his english teacher asked his name, jim or james, and he said james without a second thought. This to him was an opportunity to leave all that horrible shit behind, to forget about the fact that he had to go to therapy in grade five because of anger issues, where the therapist tried to help him and help him work out his issues, and the boy is pretty sure that the therapy was abandoned either for financial reasons or because he didn't appear very responsive at all during the two or three sessions they went to. So basically the issue of the anger had never been resolved during the course of his childhood, he'd simply buried it out of necessity once high school had started. He was rejected constantly by his classmates, and was alone most of the time, he didn't really have friends growing up with the exception of a few kids in the subdivision who were isolated along with him out in the boonies.

where were we? yeah. The boonies. Don't get me wrong, fine place to raise a family, dogs, cats, hermits, whatever you want really. Of course, things get a little dicey when at 14 you're faced with the grim decision to either force yourself to fit in with the like seven kids that live in your area or be a giant loser. I was pretty much already a loser most of the time, so this decision was pretty easy. So at home I was a tiny bit less/lot more isolated and alone. Depending on the day I guess.

As a coping mechanism I read a lot of books. Anything and everything of any interest in my fathers' collection I greedily devoured. Plus most of what my school libraries had to offer that wasn't totally awful or dull. In fact as I recall my grades in high school actually got worse with all the reading I got done. I finished four books in the wheel of time series, math pure drops to 54. Devour more stephen king, chemistry and physics plummet to the low fifties. I mean, I had fun, so fuck it. Right? Could I have gotten away with it, I would have shut out the teachers altogether and spent my class time listening to music instead of their lectures. So to bottom line this whole school bit, if they'd allowed headphones in class I would have failed. Period.

Bringing me to the other coping mechanism, music. As I got older, like 13 or 14, I started listening to stuff by guys who sounded even angrier than me. Kept the hilarious temper tantrums under wraps, as they were all acted out in my head with the help of bands like the deftones, marilyn manson, korn, ministry, all that good stuff.

I'm sure there's more really good meaty stuff that totally puts my childhood in proper perspective, if it comes to mind we'll all get to read about it.

and in other news,

WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I feel a lot better. How about you?

and I have no patience for virtues

I think I'm losing it. And when I say it, I mean my ability to maintain control over a situation to a certain degree. And when I say losing it, its more like I'm pretty sure I just never had that ability in the first place.
And yeah, like always, its about a girl.
In the past, I've always been able to make a connection with a woman without saying a damn word, using mostly the language of energy and of the body. It's served me pretty well, and allowed me to get through all the usual barriers with a minimum of all that awkward conversation and such.
This time I don't have that luxury, I'm not in, nor will I be, in a situation where I can just mosey on in to that comfort zone with just a pass of my hand and the good vibes. No, here I'm going to have to actually talk, and talk about how I feel, and work my way through the standard barriers and borders more or less with words alone. It's feeling like really foreign territory, like I'm walking through a minefield with a blindfold and a cane.
I'm being forced into a situation where the way of the ibis will be the correct path. It bothers me a little, but it doesn't shock me in the least, and an understanding of the associated imagery and powerful symbolism that comes with such an idea will no doubt serve me well in this situation.
The words will come. The moment to use them will come as well. My instincts in this situation are indeed correct, but the time must be right for me to utilize my gift of gab, or else this strong desire to form those bonds with this girl will go unrealized.
I hate being patient. Every time her and I are together, I have to work to control my tongue, to keep beautiful yet brutal honesty from spilling out and widening her eyes in a depressingly permanent fashion.
The time will come, as thoth wills it, as the gods will it, the time will come as ordained by the will of the gods.
The time will come as Thoth wills it.