random act of exactly that

we are the victims. This is a species that loves to play itself as the hurt, the damaged, the destroyed. we are the people to be remembered for displaying and magnifying our wounds for the whole world to see. the drug addicts, the mentally ill, the abused. we are proud of our pain. Pay attention world, look how much i hurt. look how much stronger I am because I am still alive. Love me and love my pain.
Fuck you.
like attracts like. bringing attention to a bad thing will only bring about more bad things. Whether it's cancer or crack, talking obsessively over your wounds in whatever form or fashion will only hurt you in the long run. focus on the solution, not the problem.
To be honest, I have no idea to whom I am referring with this passage. Perhaps the memories are from a circle of friends that I'm no longer part of. Maybe it's me I'm remembering. I used to be pretty fucking negative, as I recall.
One more in a series of introspective jaunts designed solely to enrich and improve my life, a long chain of ridiculous incoherence made longer by my interference.

More words I shouldn't use cause I don't know what they mean

I am the accumulation of my emotions. One of these emotions is known as love. We as a species seem to have lost our understanding of this emotion and how complex it actually is. Maybe that's how it works. Maybe I just feel like The emotion(Love) is getting more complex for me and it's still really simple for everyone else.
I am incapable of establishing a traditional relationship at this point in time because of two things. Either A, I can see the end of said relationship all too clearly, or B, Our feelings simply don't match up. Mostly because my feelings are unique. Or at least I'm so egotistical as to believe that I've got unique feelings. As if I could be separate from all other human beings in this one single aspect of my personality makeup.
My feelings aren't unique. It's just that somedays I feel as though my understanding of those feelings is. Perhaps this is what creates the detachment I've gelt during recent relationships. To be honest I'm not sure.
My relationship with, or understanding of the word love is patchy at best. Soon I wish to gain a better understanding of the emotion. I will post my findings as they are uncovered.

simmer down, simmer down, before the flames climb too high and burn away at the haze...

The Rat who would be at peace, part two..

So I did some preliminary research on the whole animals to man thing, the connection in a spiritual manner with a manner of the animal kingdom. I spoke with a few different sources, flipped through a couple books, no giant deal. I mean I could've journeyed to the mojave desert or something, chewed on peyote, danced with the old gods, all that. Got an answer either way...

Everyone says Hawk. That's so weird, I never saw myself as a bird, but you can't accurately choose your own animal in a sense. Self-analyzation is just too difficult for most people in the first place, let alone making profound connections between themselves and the primal within them.

Hawks are considered messengers of the gods, more or less, they're closer to the gods than most animals. The Hawk in fact is Horus' big totem animal, representing him in the hearts and minds of the peoples of both upper and lower egypt. I think. Sometimes there were differences and dissensions between sects of the culture/country.

Aside from that, Hawks are most often associated with union with the gods, the great spirit, all things in general, it really depends upon your religious/spiritual inclinations. Because the Hawk is so close to the other side of the veil, he can either bring word from that other side or bring you closer to it.

Is there more? I'm not sure, maybe... time will tell, truth more than lies, seek the answers hidden within and all that.

The Rat who would be at peace, part one.

I have never given any serious thought to the idea of an animal totem before. The very notion is neither outlandish nor implausible to me, I simply haven't given it any real energy or effort.

As a moderate to heavy student of the occult and all that entails in every sense of the word, I have a few sources for determining my own connection to the animal kingdom. The zodiacs of various cultures are all associated with animals in one sense or another. My birthdate determines two possibilities at first glance.

The chinese zodiac aligns me with the rat. The more common astrological calendar of modern times lines me up with the scorpion. This last one doesn't click for the simple reason that I know nothing about the animal. In fact, even the rat is a bit of a mystery to me.

This very lack of understanding I have just confessed may very well be the catalyst to an evening of frantic research in order to enlighten myself of any possible standard or even obscure connection to the animal kingdom I bear.

I believe that the ability to connect yourself with an animal allows you in some ways to adapt a similiar mindset, simplifying your day to day existence and clarifying some tough questions or dilemmas. Although lacking in higher brain function, animals posess a simple wisdom that we as a species would do well to adopt.

I shall report all my findings as soon as they are uncovered.

Future Mailbomb Target

People use the word "God" so often these days it's a little scary, but it's such a small percentage that ever think about it, and it's an even smaller percentage that know what it means. Teenage girls have taken the phrase "ohmygod", or omg, and made it into some sort of weird intro piece for every juicy story that comes rolling and stumbling out of their vapid little heads. The word itself has for all intents and purposes, lost whatever meaning we originally assigned to it when this patchwork english language was first being formed. I've been scared to ask people what they think of when they think of the word god. What if there's still hordes and multitudes out there that see this charlton heston bearded guy with a fucking cane waving his hands over a pint-sized globe and controlling every aspect of our lives? I can't buy it. Christians and their ilk will often use a term known as "God's Love". This in my mind implies that their vision of the supreme being is one equipped with human emotions and a very human sounding mind. They also talk about god's wrath, his anger, his joy. The bible makes God sound like some ordinary guy sitting at the controls of the creation machine with a wicked bad hangover. Does this seem weird to anyone else? A supreme being is something beyond us in every way shape and form. Were God so close to us in composition as is described in The Bible, multitudes of plucky homosapiens would've started their own similiar Universe Creation starter kits by now. What I'm getting at is that the Bible's definition of God makes God impossible, or flawed. Perfection and Love as we understand the two concepts cannot mix no matter how we try to fit them together. Same with any other emotion Monotheists attach to the Supreme Being. It goes on like this. Will you hate me for it? Probably.